First year of degree

wow...I'm done with my first year of degree (well, almost done. I still have my final exams to sit for and I'm writing a blog post as a form of procastination xP ). Two semesters feels so short and I can't believe I spent most of it sitting on my desk in my bedroom. I am supposed to be out there planning weekend getaways with my new found friends, going to places I have never been to before, and grumpily waking up early in the morning because I have to attend an 8 am physical class! Damn it pandemic why do you have to rob me out of the joy of being a first year? :( 

Other than having no worries regarding food and money shortage, having online classes at home really drains the life out of me. To make matters worse, I am an introvert. Which means I have no energy in me to seek out the fun outside of the comfort of my own bedroom. 

Hmm will this introvert habit of mine be any different when I step foot into campus? Well...I am not quite sure either :/. But I do hope I will have the courage to step out of my comfort zones. After all, degree life is supposed to be the time where you discover your own interests in life, where you are supposed to dangle your feet on dangerous waters, to make mistakes and learn from them! So I have to! 

*this is a re-enactment of a conversation I'm having with myself*

me: CHER, LOOK AT ME! *while holding the timid version of me's face and staring into her eyes with HUGE UNBLINKING EYES* YOU HAVE TO GET OUT THERE! YOU HAVE TO STOP BEING SO TIMID! YOU HAVE TO STOP BEING SO INTROVERTED! THIS ISN'T THE LIFE PATH YOU WANT! 

timid me: but I'm so bad at making conversations, I am so awkward, I stutter when I talk, which makes my self-esteem really low :(. 

me: AND? ARE YOU PLANNING TO BE THAT WAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?? THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN STOP FEELING THAT WAY IS BY EXPOSING YOURSELF TO THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE SCARED OF! WHICH IS BY TALKING TO NEW PEOPLE! AND THEN PRACTISING ON WAYS YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MINDSET! THAT IS THE ONLY WAY! 

timid me: *inserts that teary eyed emoji* okay...you're right...I will think about it...and I will make sure to take that leap of faith. 

me: YOU BETTER! BECAUSE YOUR FUTURE SELF IS DEPENDING ON YOU TO FIGHT THOSE FEELINGS THAT KEEPS ON DOWNGRADING YOU!

*end of the conversation*

I needed that. : (

We are supposed to enter campus next semester, and honestly I really can't wait! I learned a few things from my experience in KML, so I'm going to make sure I won't repeat the same mistakes! But it is easier said than done :( and honestly speaking, I really am scared and worried I will repeat my mistakes and let my anxiety take over my whole mind and rob me off a good uni experience T^T. Because I somehow think that I would have had a much much better college experience if it wasn't for my anxiety :(.

I won't know what is going to happen until it happens, till then I just need to get my mental barrier ready I guess :< .(*in whispered voice* ma...I'm scared)

But other than confining myself in my own home during the two semesters, honestly my first year of degree wasn't so bad either. I have the liberty of waking up as late as I want, honing my skill as an undisciplined student by listening to lectures while I'm half asleep and looking for answers online during quizzes and exams. Yeap, I am definitely not a model student. *cries in being a disappointment*

I also get to go to a biweekly hang out with my high school friends! Can't believe we used to meet each other at school 5 days a week and now it's turning to a biweekly hang out and soon enough it's going to be year(s)ly hangouts T.T. Oh to always be a teenager with no worries and responsibilities until the end of time! :(

I also get to practice my driving skills! I am definitely much better than when I first started...though still kinda scared. 

Once my final exam is complete, I will be officially done with my first year as a degree student! Then only am I allowed to say "one down, three more years to go!". But also, I am scared (again) because first year is probably the easiest to score and it's important because it teaches the fundamentals yet here I am slacking off! 

But anyway, I should stop worrying about the things I can't control.

After my exams are done, I will have two whole months to myself! AHH I AM SO HAPPY! I will make sure to fill my free time doing useful stuffs so that the thought of "I kinda miss studying" will never cross my mind. nope. not this time. Let's live in the moment Cher!!

And I actually do have a plan for my sem-break! Not writing it in here for now for fear of jinxing it. But if everything goes to plan, I will definitely write a new blog post of my experience!

Ahh it's almost 12a.m. now. I have a paper to sit for tomorrow jhsjahjshl. Pls pray for me.