The Caring Gardener

Of course people believed in souls, because how could someone who was once so full of life, now lay motionless, a mere empty shell? Where did you go? Where have they taken you to? 

A lifetime passed, all the laughters and conversations made are now just memories recalled. As you wait for the last trickle of sand to land, did you think that life was brief? One moment you were experiencing life for the first time, and the next moment Death is holding the door open, waiting for you to step through it. 

The wheel of life is such a weird and cruel thing, why were we born at all, if we are going to leave someday. Why give us all these things to love, if they are going to be taken away at the end of the day?

Seeing you getting older and weaker, and knowing it was just a matter of time. How cruel it is that time, the very thing that heals, is the thing that kills too. 

How temporary everything is, how everyone I love will end up there, and then sooner or later, it will be my turn too. Life is brief. And in between life and death, there are so much sorrow thrusted upon us. 

When I saw you on your death bed, I wished you would get better, I prayed for you to live longer, but I realized that it was a very selfish thought. You were suffering, you were in pain, and yet there I was wishing you to keep breathing while you had to fight off the pain yourself.

I hope Death was gentle on you, I hope Death gave you peace, I hope you are now resting peacefully for eternity. And when it is my time to go, will you be there to welcome me? 

The Garden of Death by Hugo Simberg

2025 - All's well that ends well ☘︎

2025 was a roller coaster of a year! It was so eventful, I enjoyed every single moment of it - even the hurtful ones!

I completed my final year project, I did my internship, I met the in-love version of me, I made new friends, I became closer to my uni friends, I lost weight (then gained it all back), I hiked so many hills, went on so many walks, watched so many beautiful sunsets, went to malls more times than I can count, I graduated with a bachelor's degree, and I got a job offer by the end of the year!

Now when I write it this way, it looked like everything was so easy and fell into the right place just in time. But please don't be fooled, because it wasn't. I did not include the nerves I got when I was interviewing people and presenting my final year project, the dreaded feeling I felt during the time I was living in campus because I felt so lonely and so trapped. The fact that it took me 3 years to be able to show my friends my actual self. The hurtful words that came out of people's mouth about my weight, despite me actually already losing weight and fat. The remorse and humiliation I felt when I found out the lies of the guy who said he liked me. The first 3 weeks of pain I felt in my legs and the gasping of air every day when I first started brisk walking and hiking. The amount of times I told myself I will not hike anymore yet still going day after day because it was the only thing that kept me going in life. The 4 years of degree before finally getting the scroll. The 3 agonizing months after internship - the overthinking, the rejected applications, the interviews, almost 100 job applications. 

In the miniscule moment of every day, it felt like nothing is going anywhere, some of it even felt like the end of the world. The only thing that kept me going was because I know the pain will end soon, and that I must keep going, I have no other options but to just keep walking on. In my mind, I told myself that time will put everything right, and god am I good at waiting. It is all I ever do. And thankfully then one by one things fell into place. 

Of course most of this happening is largely thanks to Providence, for aligning the stars for me to step on to the path of my desire. I planted hope and desires in my heart, I looked into it everyday and wished and wished the hardest, and my prayers were heard. And I am so grateful. Although this doesn't eliminate the fact that I still doubted myself "why did I get the job?" "I don't think I was good enough."... But thank God I did get the job, and I am grateful everyday despite feeling like I do not deserve it.

So I guess all's well that ends well. I hope 2026 will be as eventful as 2025, filled with an abundance of luck, health, hope, love, and growth. Amen. ☘︎

pull me out of this abyss !!!

Waking up at the rise of dawn,
Snoozing the alarm 6 times before realizing I can't afford to hit another snooze button anymore if I don't want to be late for work, finally getting the energy to push myself off the bed, will I be able to make it on time if I want to cook for lunch? probably..let's just try. Can this nugget cook faster? Why is it so slow it has been 10 minutes. Ok time to chop the onions. Do I need to wash these dishes now or later when I get back home? Oh my god I'm rushing now. Ok time to take a shower. What should I wear today? Now hair oil. Hair spray. My bag, my bag. What else did I forgot? My charger. Hmm. Socks, lunch box, bag, car keys. OH SWITCH OFF ALL THE SWITCHES AND UNPLUG EVERYTHING. Ok lock the door. Oh hi puppy, the dog food ran out I'll buy some later. Sorry no food for you this morning :(.

Okay start the car, wait for the engine to warm up, the windows are so foggy. Have my cousins went to work? Is my grandpa watching me from his house? Hmm.. Ok the blue light has turned off I can go now. May God protect me during my drive. Drive slowly, drive slowly, DON'T DRIVE THROUGH THE HOLE! Help there's a car behind me, do they hate me because I'm driving too slow??? I'm so sorryyy I'm terrified of the potholes.

Ah at the parking lot now. There's an hour and 30 minutes left before work starts. I'm hungry.. I should eat the food I prepared for lunch. Time to do my makeup. Now there's 40 minutes left.... Let's just go early and hope the office door has been unlocked. 

*9 hours omitted*

Time to go home! I hope I don't get robbed while I'm on my way to the car. Okay safely arrived. I should get myself some sweet treat, but I can't. I need to save up. Also I need to stop consuming sweets. But I wanna buy something to feel something. I have nothing to look forward to after work! Ok then let's go buy some vegetables from the supermarket near our house.

Traffic jammed, traffic jammed. It's 6:15 now I should arrive home by 7:17. Slowly, slowly. oops potholes. Why can't these people use their signal lights?? I hope I did not went into someone else's lane. Is that sirens I hear? Oh my god it is there's an ambulance behind me. Ok ok turn on your signal light and go slightly to the left. Does it have enough room to drive pass? HELP. ok phew. 

Finally. Home. I'm so tired, I want to sleep like right now. But I'm hungry. And I need to take a shower and wait for my hair to dry. And I need to prepare for tomorrow's food. And I need to do this all over again tomorrow.

Ugh.........

Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me wanna take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs
-except the vacant stares and strangers' silence are mine. 

(I'm grateful to have a job, a car to drive, a place to stay, but I'm still trying to fit in and trying to find the momentum in this new routine :') )

The untying of the rock

Thank you for dipping my legs in the sea,
for giving me a chance to be immersed in the cold water.
for allowing me to learn how to swim,
for giving me the chance to discover how to move my hands with the current,
for allowing me to plant hope in the deep blue of unknown.

Thank you for tying a stone around my ankles,
and letting me drown, the bubbles of hope floating past me,
the sound of laughter mocking my naivety as I scream for help,
the pointing fingers you gathered aiming at me, amongst their laughter shrieking "what a fool",
as I allow myself to be pulled deeper, tears unseen by anyone but me.

Thank you for opening my eyes to the darkness around me, 
as I begged myself to pull me out of the abyss,
as I realised what I had to do to fight against the current,
for letting me discover what I had in me to save myself from the depth that I've let myself sunk into.

Thank you,
as I drag myself back to the beach, every breath of fresh air feels like a new life forming,
every step feels like a new chance in life,
reminding me that when God gives me a new beginning, I should not repeat the same mistake.

I have not stopped yearning for the sea, but I tread carefully now,
my whole senses now know the things to spot to avoid the pain,
my naivety now replaced by cautiousness.
I am so glad I got out of the water,
But the shame somehow still stuck with me, the humiliation I felt as I finally decided to show you my achille's heel, 
and you had to remind me what a fool I was.
And I bore that resentment so deep in my heart.
I wished you the worst.
I wished you the foulest life.
And the only thing that it brought me was more anger. 
Fueling the fire everyday like it would actually kill you.
But instead I was the one who got killed. Day by day went and I get weaker and weaker.
And I did not realise that I was eating myself alive.
I thought I was stabbing you, but the only wound that became deeper is mine.

So now I am forgiving you. 
I am teaching myself to let you go peacefully.
To let you live a life of harmony.
Of happiness and of calmness.
I hope you get that.
And I hope I never get to learn and understand why you tied that rock around my ankles that day.
And I hope I never get to hear your voice again.
And I hope I never have to cross path with you ever again in this lifetime.
This is my final act of pulling myself from the depth of the sea.
For fighting against the current, and for letting go of the rock that I have unconsciously tied around my ankles.

Thank you.

In the Swirl of Moments - Exhibit K

In the swirl of moments, I gave you an opening. A chance to come into my world.

And I have never given anyone that chance before. You gave me your time of the day, and I got hooked. A day without your notifications made me spiral into the abyss of my anxious thoughts. I gave you the power of controlling my emotions without you even knowing. 

Monthly Wrap Up - February 2024

 

Hello! Welcome to a new tradition I am starting on my blog - a series of monthly wrap-ups - which aims to get an overview of all the stuff I've been doing for the past month! This includes the shows I've watched, books read, songs that were put on a loop until I've got every word of it memorized. and every events of my life that is worth mentioning!