The untying of the rock

Thank you for dipping my legs in the sea,
for giving me a chance to be immersed in the cold water.
for allowing me to learn how to swim,
for giving me the chance to discover how to move my hands with the current,
for allowing me to plant hope in the deep blue of unknown.

Thank you for tying a stone around my ankles,
and letting me drown, the bubbles of hope floating past me,
the sound of laughter mocking my naivety as I scream for help,
the pointing fingers you gathered aiming at me, amongst their laughter shrieking "what a fool",
as I allow myself to be pulled deeper, tears unseen by anyone but me.

Thank you for opening my eyes to the darkness around me, 
as I begged myself to pull me out of the abyss,
as I realised what I had to do to fight against the current,
for letting me discover what I had in me to save myself from the depth that I've let myself sunk into.

Thank you,
as I drag myself back to the beach, every breath of fresh air feels like a new life forming,
every step feels like a new chance in life,
reminding me that when God gives me a new beginning, I should not repeat the same mistake.

I have not stopped yearning for the sea, but I tread carefully now,
my whole senses now know the things to spot to avoid the pain,
my naivety now replaced by cautiousness.
I am so glad I got out of the water,
But the shame somehow still stuck with me, the humiliation I felt as I finally decided to show you my achille's heel, 
and you had to remind me what a fool I was.
And I bore that resentment so deep in my heart.
I wished you the worst.
I wished you the foulest life.
And the only thing that it brought me was more anger. 
Fueling the fire everyday like it would actually kill you.
But instead I was the one who got killed. Day by day went and I get weaker and weaker.
And I did not realise that I was eating myself alive.
I thought I was stabbing you, but the only wound that became deeper is mine.

So now I am forgiving you. 
I am teaching myself to let you go peacefully.
To let you live a life of harmony.
Of happiness and of calmness.
I hope you get that.
And I hope I never get to learn and understand why you tied that rock around my ankles that day.
And I hope I never get to hear your voice again.
And I hope I never have to cross path with you ever again in this lifetime.
This is my final act of pulling myself from the depth of the sea.
For fighting against the current, and for letting go of the rock that I have unconsciously tied around my ankles.

Thank you.

Monthly Wrap Up - February 2024

 

Hello! Welcome to a new tradition I am starting on my blog - a series of monthly wrap-ups - which aims to get an overview of all the stuff I've been doing for the past month! This includes the shows I've watched, books read, songs that were put on a loop until I've got every word of it memorized. and every events of my life that is worth mentioning!

Anne Of The Island

This book is like a Bible to me, in between Anne's journey to getting an M.A. degree, the laughter of the girls (and Aunt) at Patty's Place, and the series of romantic and unromantic proposals, are weaved in between with words of wisdom, and descriptions of nature that tinted a rose coloured view on my perception of life. Every time I finish an L.M. Montgomery book, I find myself 150% more optimistic than I was 3 hours before. Maud's writing has that spell on me. 

I find myself being consoled by the fact that some of my own worries are experienced by Anne too, it's like reading advices from an older sister. And it makes me feel less alone in my struggle to adulthood and living up to the principles I have set on myself. 

Do you think, Diana, that being grown up is really as nice as we used to imagine it would be when we were children?
'I don't know -  there are some nice things about it,' [...] 'But there are so many puzzling things too. Sometimes I feel as if being grown up just frightened me - and then I would give anything to be a little girl again.'

'I suppose we'll get used to being grown up in time,' said Anne cheerfully. 'There won't be so many unexpected things about it by and by - though after all, I fancy it's the unexpected things that give spice to life.'

Daily Dose of Sunshine - KDrama Review

 ‟All of us are standing on the border between normal and abnormal.”

Initially, I decided to watch this K-Drama because I came across a TikTok video about it, and because I found out that Park Bo-Young is the main lead in this drama. But the storyline made me stay until the end. This is actually the only K-Drama that I managed to watch until the last episode this year! My commitment is so bad I couldn't even get myself to commit to finish a K-Drama....until I came across this one.

This K-Drama tells the story of nurse Jung Da-Eun as she navigates life as a psychiatry nurse. Every patient that is warded in the psychiatric unit has their own diagnosis and backstory. This has shone light on the various types of mental illnesses and how one's life can be affected by it, both on the patient and their caregivers. 

Mental health issues is like a topic that is kept in a dark room with warnings on the door to not get in, at least that's what it's like for me while I was growing up. Even today, there is still such a huge stigma on the topic of mental illnesses. "Dia ada masalah otak tu." "Orang gila tu". Words like "crazy" is often used to describe people that are deemed abnormal by society's standard, when actually there are more accurate terms that could be used to describe people with mental illnesses. The spectrum is so wide, if only more people care enough to learn them. 

sunlight

Sunlight is streaming in through the window,
caressing my face with its warmth,
the light it brings onto my skin,
is blowing away the dark clouds in my mind.

Can you feel how happy I am? I want this feeling to seep into these words and right through your screen and make petals of cherry blossoms to fall right around you! I want these words to billow a stream of breezes that kisses you in the cheek and swirl around you in a hug. I am thankful for the sunlight, and the warmth that it brings, and the feelings that it conjured in my heart. 

How do I ever tell the sun how much I love it? How do I ever let it know how I appreciate it so much? I hope by opening up the curtains and windows every morning and letting it stream into my room is enough of a love letter to it. 

The reflection of lights on the teapot, the stillness of a kitchen in the afternoon, everything that puts your existence under a magnifying glass, I shall love them all.

How My First Part Time Job Went!

 I quit my part time job! I was supposed to work until the 8th of October but I realized that I don't have the energy to go on for another 8 days so I decided to quit on the 29th (something triggered me to make such rushed decision but we're not gonna go into details about that T^T)

Quitting the job made me feel like I was born anew! (although ngl there's a lingering feeling of guilt weighing on my back but I'll take responsibility for that :') ) 

These 2 months of working definitely taught me a few things that I hope I would never forget and would be able to take advantage of. One of the lesson that I learned is to not be afraid to try new things. Of course you're not going to get immediately good at the things you just learned. It takes time and patience for you to master a certain skill. But that doesn't mean you should avoid doing it at all cost because "you're going to be bad at it". How else are you going to improve yourself if not by trying and practicing?