I can't believe I am typing this, with 30 minutes left until 2021, on my bed, in college! Like what the hell?
Not that there are any differences on how I usually celebrate the new year for the past previous years. It's just that I am not with my family right now and that kinda sucks.
Anyway, I honestly am not even that excited for the new year. I have given up on looking forward for something good to happen. With no signs of these covid cases to stop rising any time sooner... looks like the new year will be the same as 2020.
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But of course I would not want to miss this opportunity to reflect on what a year 2020 has been. Stepping out from highschool and having no choice but to mix up with people from the outside.... really makes me feel like I am dangling my feet on dangerous waters.
Highschool has been my sanctuary for five years. I was literally in my safety bubble for five long years! With all the friends that I am comfortable with, a school that I truly love, and the fact that I rarely go out and socialize with people from other schools... It is no wonder that I have such a hard time entering society.
There are myriad of new things that I experienced and discovered this year! All the good and the bad that existed because of the other. All of which was a result of me being forced by the ticking time out of my comfort zone of being surrounded by the familiarity of highschool.
The most impactful "event" that I have unwillingly but also grateful enough to have experienced was the series of anxieties I had.
Having sleepless nights worrying about the driving class I had to attend the next day, and then worrying more about wanting to be accepted and well acquainted with my college classmates. It was hell. Sometimes I even cried myself to sleep because I worried too much... I literally overthink about every worst scenarios that could happen. I kid you not when my overthinking even interfered with my daily tasks. And I hated the fact that it all stems from my need to please people.
I have never felt so anxious before my whole life. But at the same time, I also learned ways to deal with my emotions. I learned to take one step at a time. I learned to be patient with myself.
My self esteem was at its lowest point since entering college too. I miss the woman I had in me when I was in highschool, when I would constantly remind myself that men ain't shit and that I don't have to impress anyone. Of course it's easier to say than done. I am honestly ashamed of myself for saying this but ever since I step my foot into college, my shoulders are hunched, my gaze are lowered, my voice are hushed and my actions are minimized. All because I do not want to be noticed. And when online classes were announced, I was in cloud nine!
I am still trying to slowly get out of my shell though... I have yet to fully recovered from having social anxieties with the opposite sex. But I am taking baby steps.
I also learned to face my fears, facing it head to head instead of sweeping it under the rug. I learned to comfort the child in me. I learned to forgive my past self. I learned to face my thoughts and feelings and process the reasons behind them.
I also realized how blessed I am... How much my parents have sacrificed for my happiness and comfort. How much I love them. And how much they love me.
And not forgetting all the friends I made this year! I grew very close to some of my classmates and I am very grateful to them for bringing out what I didn't know I had in me!
All in all, it was a year of self-growth. It was hell on my mental. But I guess I needed it to grow. As cheesy as it sounds, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
So here's cheers to 2021!
My only new year resolution is to continue facing my feelings face first. ❤️
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