In the swirl of moments, I gave you an opening. A chance to come into my world.
And I have never given anyone that chance before. You gave me your time of the day, and I got hooked. A day without your notifications made me spiral into the abyss of my anxious thoughts. I gave you the power of controlling my emotions without you even knowing.
In the swirl of moments, I wanted to love you. I wanted to listen to love songs and be able to think of you. I wanted to be comfortable with you. I wanted to say "I love you" with an ache in my heart because I truly meant it. I wanted to be able to let down my guard, this hardened facade that I use everyday, and show you how soft I can become, how unguarded I can be, and how only you I allow to see it.
But you never fully walked in. I tried to lure you, I gave you encouragements, yet one of your leg is always on the other side of the door. If you never meant it when you said you liked me, why even bother trying to start anything? Our fights were always because of the same reason. Our communication feels like connecting two mismatched puzzles. You were okay with not contacting me for days on end, but it's the opposite for me.
And even when you decided I was worth your time, it was always wishes of goodmornings and goodnights, when what I wanted to know was your deepest desires and the stars you wish to reach. But every reply from you made me feel like I am being pushed away. And every question I wish to receive from you never made it out of your lips.
I asked myself if it was only me that felt like this relationship is not being fulfilled. Like it is not how a relationship is meant to be. But I always decide to give you another chance, perhaps things will be different once we go back to college since our dorms are only opposite of each other, perhaps things will be different once you completed all your assignments, perhaps things will be different once your exams are over.
Yet your actions always proved me wrong.
And then somedays I wonder, maybe I was the one who is not doing enough. Did I give you signs that made you backed off? Did I unintentionally pushed you away with my words and my actions?
So I lowered my ego. I showed you how much I wanted it to be you. I showed you affections. Yet everything stays the same. Your hot and cold replies, your "wait until I'm not busy". All of this went on for 4 months. 4 months of me trying to hold on, 4 months of me giving you chances, 4 months of me being in a loop of being smitten and then going back into the deepest pit of despair. Your actions confuses me. And I let you play my emotions like a puppet on strings.
But the last straw for me is when I wished you good luck for your exams, while jokingly poked at how you never replied to my last text, and all I receive is a rude reply from you, telling me how it's exam week. But when I reflected, I have never asked you to talk to me multiple times a day. I never bother you by giving you a call out of nowhere. I never bother you to talk to me on the phone every night. I never bother you to send me anywhere even though you have a car. Yet your reply made me feel like I asked you 24 hours of your day. And I did not even receive a thank you for the good luck.
And that's when I know it is over. That's when you pushed me out of the swirl of moments and allow me to see how things really are. How abnormal it is for you to never want to meet me even though we live in the opposite building, how abnormal it is that you never ask me questions about myself, how abnormal it is that it feels like you never wanted to get to know me.
And all this time, I never told any of my uni friends about you. Because deep down I know they don't approve of you and your actions. I know deep down I am begging for the bare minimum, and how embarrassed I felt for setting the bar in the pit of hell for myself.
It feels so humiliating, how I wanted it to be you so bad, yet all this time you were giving me proofs of how you never actually wanted me. I should have walked away in the first month, instead of spending 4 months of my life crashing out over you.
But I did my time. I learned the hard way. And you were just a phase in my life. A mirror that life handed to me. Someday you'll find someone that you actually want, and I'll find someone too. And I shall be glad that it is not you.
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