Thank you for dipping my legs in the sea,
for giving me a chance to be immersed in the cold water.
for allowing me to learn how to swim,
for giving me the chance to discover how to move my hands with the current,
for allowing me to plant hope in the deep blue of unknown.
Thank you for tying a stone around my ankles,
and letting me drown, the bubbles of hope floating past me,
the sound of laughter mocking my naivety as I scream for help,
the pointing fingers you gathered aiming at me, amongst their laughter shrieking "what a fool",
as I allow myself to be pulled deeper, tears unseen by anyone but me.
Thank you for opening my eyes to the darkness around me,
as I begged myself to pull me out of the abyss,
as I realised what I had to do to fight against the current,
for letting me discover what I had in me to save myself from the depth that I've let myself sunk into.
Thank you,
as I drag myself back to the beach, every breath of fresh air feels like a new life forming,
every step feels like a new chance in life,
reminding me that when God gives me a new beginning, I should not repeat the same mistake.
I have not stopped yearning for the sea, but I tread carefully now,
my whole senses now know the things to spot to avoid the pain,
my naivety now replaced by cautiousness.
I am so glad I got out of the water,
But the shame somehow still stuck with me, the humiliation I felt as I finally decided to show you my achille's heel,
and you had to remind me what a fool I was.
And I bore that resentment so deep in my heart.
I wished you the worst.
I wished you the foulest life.
And the only thing that it brought me was more anger.
Fueling the fire everyday like it would actually kill you.
But instead I was the one who got killed. Day by day went and I get weaker and weaker.
And I did not realise that I was eating myself alive.
I thought I was stabbing you, but the only wound that became deeper is mine.
So now I am forgiving you.
I am teaching myself to let you go peacefully.
To let you live a life of harmony.
Of happiness and of calmness.
I hope you get that.
And I hope I never get to learn and understand why you tied that rock around my ankles that day.
And I hope I never get to hear your voice again.
And I hope I never have to cross path with you ever again in this lifetime.
This is my final act of pulling myself from the depth of the sea.
For fighting against the current, and for letting go of the rock that I have unconsciously tied around my ankles.
Thank you.
In the swirl of moments, I gave you an opening. A chance to come into my world.
And I have never given anyone that chance before. You gave me your time of the day, and I got hooked. A day without your notifications made me spiral into the abyss of my anxious thoughts. I gave you the power of controlling my emotions without you even knowing.
Hello! Welcome to a new tradition I am starting on my blog - a series of monthly wrap-ups - which aims to get an overview of all the stuff I've been doing for the past month! This includes the shows I've watched, books read, songs that were put on a loop until I've got every word of it memorized. and every events of my life that is worth mentioning!
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